Dragonfly Mini Blogs

What is a tantrum? We know what a tantrum feels like because we’ve had them ourselves, but what’s going on with your child when they have one? It’s usually a combination of things: Overwhelm - the emotion is too big for their little body to contain An intense emotion that they dont understand and dont know what to do with They know there’s something they want or need, but dont know how to get it. But the real question is, what happens to us as parents, when our child has a tantrum? How does knowing that help them and us? Well, first you need to know the other half of the equation - you. In that moment, your child can’t express how they feel with words, so they show you how it feels, leaving you feeling the same way as they are. Frustrated, angry or upset. It’s a roundabout way of communicating, but when you think about it, it’s really a clever evolutionary adaption. We’re attempting to give the other person the feeling. We even do it as adults, to other adults, sometimes too! How a parent reacts to a tantrum and the feelings it creates in them, can influence how your child feels and how they behave next time they are in this position. If you could be less frustrated / upset / angrry by their behaviour, they would get the opportunity to calm down quicker and you may be able to help them understand what they’re feeling. That would then give them the opportunity to learn to calm themselves down enough, to feel safe in that moment. You learnt as a child yourself, how to feel frustrated, upset or angry, which means you can unlearn it in a couple of sessions with me as an adult. The solution is with you. Notice how there’s no big fuss about this, as far as the child is concerned. You do the work on your emotions and your child benefits from it without any tips or tricks or tools. And you both get to benefit from the effort you put in on behalf of your child.

Being taught how to parent doesn’t work if your emotions overide your ability to follow the rules. They say follow through, when you say you’ll do something - but what if you feel uneasy about how they’ll react when you try to enforce the rules? They say allow them to fail - but when you see them failing you can’t stand the feeling you feel inside, so you have to help them They say validate their emotions - but what if acknowledging their feelings means you have to ackowledge yours and you don’t like the feelings? They say practice self care - but what if you were never taught to do that and feel you're not important enough? The thing with what ifs, is that you think the what if and then have a feeling and stop thinking about it. But the feeling just carries on and on unquestioned. But the way to change how you parent, is to explore those what ifs, to discover they’re not as scary as you thought. Doing that by yourself can be overwhelming, but when you do that with someone that has been through it all and knows how to get out the other side, it doesn’t have to be scary. I don’t teach you how to parent. I show you how to work it out for yourself. Which is so much more empowering. If you have any questions about this post, please ask in the comments. If you know someone this could help, please share it with them or pop it on your profile, for them to see.

As parents, we often feel caught in a double bind - the feeling that we can't win no matter what we do. For example, you might think, "If my child sees me upset, it’ll stress them out, but if I don't express how I feel I will become more stressed" While it’s true that children can pick up on our emotions, it’s not always the case that showing emotion is harmful. What if, instead of worrying, we saw these moments as opportunities for growth? If your child sees you feeling upset but also watches you regulate your emotions, they learn that it's okay to feel big emotions—and that they can work through them too. I once worked with a dad who got frustrated with a cashier in front of his son and felt guilty. But I explained: it’s actually a great learning moment! His son got to see that it’s okay to feel angry, and more importantly, that you can calm down and move forward. By reframing situations like this, we can stop being so hard on ourselves and realize that our emotional moments can be powerful teaching tools.

We’re not the parents we think we are. Let me explain. We have a whole system of algorithms that are running behind the scenes in our minds. These are the parts of us that are running the show. The rest of us, the part we show to the world, is just a story that we’ve made up about ourselves to explain why we are the way we are. Or why we do what we do. There’s 2 ways of knowing who you are and how you parent. 1) Look at your actions and they will give you a more honest view of what you value and who you are. For example, I want my son to spend more time out in nature, but we spend most of our time in doors). 2) Ask other people (although their view will also be made up by their own reality about you, so isn’t fully reliable) So how does that help you with your children and how they behave? Well, you know the old saying ‘do as a say, not as I do? This phrase came about because we often believe we’re teaching our kids one thing, but our actions tell a very different story. Children are observant, they’re learning from what you model far more than from what you say. That’s why I work with parents on their mental map of the world and not just by the story they tell me. If I want to understand what’s going on for your child, I will ask you: how do you respond when they do that, what do you say, what do you do? How do you feel? So if you want to know what’s going on with your child, start with you - the real behind-the-scenes you, not the version of yourself you believe you are. When you do this, you will be able to guide yourself and your children to better decisions and behaviours that lead to a more congruent, happier life. *don’t worry too much about what a mental map is, you will find out all about it when we do a session together.