School AVOIDANCE -
A PARENTS GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING AND Supporting Your Child
When you dont know how
When your child stops wanting to go to school, it can come as a surprise or it could have been on the cards for a while and you were just hoping they would grow out of it. Either way, nothing prepares you for the difficulty of not knowing how to help them. You may feel frustrated, confused or even helpless, wondering what’s going on and how to make things better.
Children can stop wanting to go to school for many reasons, but there’s usually an underlying cause that isn’t always apparant to you or the teachers and staff. This can stir up all sorts of feelings in you, as you try to work out what’s causing it. From fear, guilt, frustration and overwhelm. It’s really hard and stressful to see them struggling and resisting when all the other children seem to be enjoying going in.
This guide will help you understand the emotions behind your child’s refusal, so that you can work out how to support and advocate for them. By recognising the root causes of the issue, you can support your child through this challenge and help them regain confidence in school.
Understanding the Emotions Behind School Refusal
Challenges
Let's look at some of the reasons school may be difficult for your child. We’ll also explore how our own emotions as parents can provide insight into what they’re going through.
Emotional Patterns
Children often mirror their parents' emotional patterns because they live so closely with them and learn by watching how they handle emotions. At birth, babies mainly experience basic survival emotions. As they grow, they learn how to understand and express feelings by observing those around them. This connection can offer valuable clues about what your child might be feeling, especially in situations that may remind you of your own childhood, such as school life.
The Circle of Life
The below questions might feel like they are blaming you as a parent, especially if you already feel guilty or responsible. However, we feel the way we do because we learned from our parents, just as they learned from theirs. We all have negative feelings and behaviours we don’t like, shaped by how we were taught to cope and none of this was something you chose or wished upon yourself or your child. But just as your child has learned difficult emotions from you, they have also learned all the positive ones that bring joy to both of you every day.
Emotions as Indicators
This is not about blame; our emotions can just be handy indicators to help work out what’s going on for your child. As Esther Hicks says, ‘Parents mean well. They are mostly just trying to prepare you for the struggles of life that they have found along the way. They feel vulnerable and believe that you are vulnerable too.’
Keeping Things in Perspective
When you’re answering the following questions, don’t forget that 1) you are not the only influence on your child 2) you aren’t the ruler of the universe so it can’t be all from you and 3) they are their own little personality so they will have found their own problems to worry about in any case. We are just covering all bases so we can get a full picture of the situation. Once we know what's going on, we can do something about it.
Understand Yourself to Support Your Child
Answer these questions as honestly as you can. You may want to ask any other adults that play a large role in your child’s life if they can answer them too.
Separation Anxiety
Do you feel worried about your child when you leave them at school?
Did you get more upset than other parents on their first days at school?
Do you tend to make excuses when people invite you out without your child because you know your child will be upset?
Social Difficulties
Do you find it hard socialising?
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Do you avoid making time to allow your child to socialise?
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Do you rush in to fix things when your child struggles when playing with other children?
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Were you bullied or felt alone as a child?
Academic Struggles
Do you get overwhelmed when trying to help them with their homework?
Are there any learning difficulties in your family history?
Did you enjoy schoolwork?
How did you get on with your teachers and your child’s teachers?
Do you suffer from anxiety or avoid emotional events and get togethers?
Do you get sensations in your body that seem to tell you there’s something wrong but you don't know what it is?
Do you tend to be more of an emotional thinker rather than a logical thinker?
Anxiety and Stress
Are you going through an upheaval, such as a breakup?
Are you very stressed about something?
Are you not getting enough support, as you try to get work your way through motherhood?
Changes at Home
Which questions did you resonate with or have an emotional response to?
If none, this guide might not be for you.
If some, these may be clues to how your child feels when they are at school.
Emotional Clues
Supporting Your Child and YouRSELF
Now that you may have a clearer idea of why your child is struggling with school, what can you do about it? Here are a few general tips to start with, followed by the next steps.
Be gentle with yourself, as answering yes to some of these questions means you’re experiencing this alongside your child. It's natural to feel overwhelmed and you are definitely aren't alone.
Try to acknowledge your child’s feelings as best you can for now. Be honest with them (or they’ll know you’re not) but don't go into too much detail about your own difficulties as it could overwhelm and worry them.
Tell them that it will be okay and that you’re going to work it out together with the help of others and the school. They can hear that there are other options too; if they’re meant to be at school, they will be when the time's right.
Be honest with the school and allow them to help. They don’t always get it right because they’re teachers and not experts in child psychology. Work together to come up with strategies to help your child feel more comfortable at school.
Acknowledge your own feelings to yourself. This will be hard, as you were probably taught to push these feelings away. But know this is something you will learn to do, as you learn how to help your child.
Sharing your feelings with a supportive friend, family member or therapist can help you process your emotions. Sometimes just being heard can relieve some of the emotional pressure and decrease how impossible it all seems.
Let your child see you working through this challenge and still being okay to face another day. Demonstrate how you manage stress and frustration as best you can. It will teach your child that emotions can be managed, even when things feel difficult.
Remind yourself that there are many reasons that could be causing your child difficulties, such as school environment, incompatible teaching/child styles, peer relationships, and more. These can be worked through with the school once you have some support in place.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you’re neglecting others. When you neglect yourself, you are essentially neglecting others, because you can’t give them the best of yourself. Do something for yourself once a week. It doesn’t have to be something major, just find a little joy.
You may have tried some of these tips, but they haven’t worked. This is because your actions are driven by your emotions and beliefs rather than logic or other people's advice. They are also shaped by the person you became to protect yourself from difficult feelings in childhood. No amount of advice will help if your unconscious mind is working to keep you safe from those emotions and that won’t help your child either. These deep-rooted patterns influence your behaviours, as what feels important to you determines how you think, act and respond.
The good news is that change is possible and you can guide your child through this challenging period. By learning to process your own emotions and feel them without resistance, you’ll recognise how they influence your child's emotional understanding. As you transform these feelings, you'll naturally support your child in handling their own emotions, drawing from your new, more grounded experiences.
Personalised Support:
A Tailored Approach to Helping Your Child
If you’ve found yourself reflecting on these questions and realise that navigating your child’s school refusal feels overwhelming, it might be time to explore personalised support.
Here’s how it would work:
If your child is under 10, we'll have a session call with just you and me. For children aged 10 and above, I'll begin by speaking with them to understand their perspective on school and identify what's troubling them. I'll use your insights to guide my questions during this discussion, without sharing what you’ve told me.
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They will feel relaxed with me because I have 14 years of experience with children as a special needs nanny. I understand how to make them feel comfortable and safe. Plus I can usually make both adults and children laugh, even when they are talking about difficult subjects.
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Once we've identified the underlying issues, you and I will work together in one-on-one sessions. I’ll gently guide you through understanding and transforming the emotions that influence how you respond to your child's school avoidance. As you gain insight and develop new approaches, you'll be able to support your child more effectively when they feel stressed and overwhelmed.
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Some people only need a few sessions, some people need more than a few. We’ll know more once we get started. This method is a long term solution, not a quick fix that stops working 5 days down the line.
It is the gentlest way to help your child, because you do the work for them. Your new understanding of how to process these emotions and experiences will stand you in good stead for all the other difficult events that will come into your life and theirs. It’s an investment in their mental health, as school refusal can have long-reaching effects if not handled well.
As a parenting coach I invite you to book a free call with me or jump straight into a paid 1-1 session, as soon as next week. These things are too important to wait and at £45 per session, they’re worth every penny. Even if you just do the free call, you will gain valuable understanding and feel heard.
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You're welcome to message me on 07527 577987 or get booked in on Calendly, using the button below: